UNIVERSITY PARK — In a development that has sent shockwaves through the beer industry and the Penn State campus, a Penn State Ph.D. candidate in chemistry has determined that Yuengling and Rolling Rock beers are exactly the same.
“The findings are surprisingly conclusive and have a margin of error of less than 0.005%,” said Maximillian Schlorndorf. “At the molecular level, these two beers are exactly the same.”
Schlorndorf added that in addition to molecular testing, the experiment was supplemented by an extensive blind taste test involving 900 people, including former employees from both breweries.
“We had the strictest controls possible and still had 100% accuracy. It simply astounding and unprecented.”
The National Beer Council issued a statement calling the study “absurd and an attempt by the ivory tower to unfairly malign beer and the millions of hard-working citizens who enjoy it.”
Political economy of communications professor Don Rettig noted that this was something he had been teaching his students all along.
“Branding, we have concluded, is more powerful than tastebuds. The only shocking thing about this study is that it even needed to happen. I could have you told this without a microscope.”
Across campus, students were angered by the study.
“Youz gotta be kiddin; me, I can’t believe that somebody would dare say my Yuengling is like Rolling Rock and sh-t like that,” said sophomore Ed Zoder of Frackville. “He be’s from Jersey henna. Man, I hate Jersey, it cost a hunnert dollars just to drive through it and they make ya pay to get back in Pennsylvania. That hunky better not come around Mockonoy City of Chendo if he knows what’s good for him.
Addressing Schlordorf directly, Pete Kifflin of McKeesport warned “Nuh-uh, yinz chawt Schlorndorf. Jeez-o-man, he’s probably from Jersey or Philly, cause he’s stupid. Philly should be part of Jersey anyway! He better not show up dahntahn n’at.”
Schlorndorf has been moved to an undisclosed off-campus location by Penn State police after several death threats.
Yuengling, Rolling Rock, beer, April Fool’s Day